Sunday, November 29, 2009

Six More Days 'til Bizarro Movie Night: And ALL Lame Excuses for Not Showing Up, REBUTTED!

Yep, indeedy, kids. Only six more days 'til Your Schlockologist Truly unleashes Bizarro Movie Night on the semi-unsuspecting Aster Coffee Lounge! And I hope--no, I KNOW--you're as pumped for it as I am.

If, through some anomaly of God and nature, you're still on the fence about attending this Shindig, the Bizarro Movie Night Rebuttal Team has prepared a series of Lame Excuses, and Commensurate Rebuttals...

Lame Excuse 1:  "I only watch movies featuring Mexican Wrestlers/zombies/bikers/sword-wielding-talking-animals/Bruce Lee imitators while drinking alcohol!"

Guess what? The Aster has a lovely selection of beers and wines to choose from! The friendly staff (or your friendly Schlockologist) will be only too happy to recommend liquid refreshment--alcoholic or non!

Lame Excuse 2: "This is Seattle! I'm going to see a rock show at (insert local music venue here) that night..."

Bizarro Movie Night starts at a perfectly comfortable hour (8pm), and ends at roughly 10:30pm, thus giving you PLENTY of time to boot-scoot over to see that band you're into. PLUS, you don't have to sit through some lame opening act!

Lame Excuse 3: "I gotta work that night!"

Dear Nose-to-the-Grindstoner, we live in an era fraught with environmental and viral threats, so a Sick Call to the boss is entirely plausible and acceptable. Start rehearsing that hacking cough now. Begin with a few plaintive coughs in front of your boss around Wednesday. Build them in frequency in the ensuing days.

Also, hone your talking-with-a-stuffed-head voice. For example: say this sentence:

"Sorry, my nose is a little stuffed-up from this cold I'm battling!"

...In front of your boss like this:

"Zorry, by doze is a liddle stuvved-ub frub this code Eye'b Baddlig!"

Lame Excuse 4: "I have a life! I'm going to hang out with friends/go to a party that night!" 

Hanging out with friends? Hell, BRING 'EM TO THE ASTER! It's comfy and warm; the coffee, tea, wine, and beer are great; and...oh, yeah...this killer Bizarro Movie Night thing's going down!

Going to a party? Everyone knows that all the Cool Kids arrive fashionably late (with cool stories about the Bizarro Movie Night Shenanigans at the Aster). AND again, BMN wraps up in plenty of time for you to paint the town 'til the rooster crows.

Lame Excuse 5: "I don't know anything about the movies this Bizarro Movie Guy's gonna show!"

That's why Your Schlockologist Truly is here, Fiends and Neighbors; to guide you through the turbulent waters of unusual cinema with some background on the films at hand, fun factoids about the people who make and star in 'em, and patter so snappy you'll wanna play a stand-up bass along to it!

Lame Excuse 6: "I live far away, Mr. Schlockologist, sir!"

It IS a Saturday, y'know...Coming from Oregon or California? The drive up Highway 101 is lovely, and flights are more reasonable than ever! From Tacoma or Federal Way? A relatively painless jaunt up north I-5'll get you there! Go here for some informational mappishness...

Lame Excuse 7: "I heard that Ballard's a scary place!"

Those rumors about packs of Marauding Lutefisk-Wielding Muggers and Health-Conscious-Jogger Street Gangs are just that--RUMORS. Ballard is one of the niftiest parts of Seattle you'll visit; and that's saying a lot.

Plus, Bizarro Movie Nights start there in just a few days. How the Hell can you stay away?

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